Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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