I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
