I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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