I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize