we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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