I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
