I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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