I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
