just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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