Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
