And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
