ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
porn star boner night. come get it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
