He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
