By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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