best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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