Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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