i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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