I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
