The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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