New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
