i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
