"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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