Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
