I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
soo... how was my night?
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