i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
