that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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