I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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