The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
