ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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