dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
