Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
