you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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