I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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