Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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