So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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