So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
