Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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