I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
