Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
