id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Say something about gay babies.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
