gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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