Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
there is glitter all over my balls
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