glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
