Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize