Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
