I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
