The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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