I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
