I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
