why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
