Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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